Introducing: Thing 1


Due to the warts and all nature of this blog, I have decided to keep some things sacred and not refer to my TWOnager by name. But trust me, it's a goodie. Like totally legit. Actually. Not quite sure what a non-legit name would be?

Something along the lines of Glitter Pizza Wine, perhaps? That's not so much a name as a random compilation of my favourite things.

Rest assured, her name is a nice, regular 'ol name. Not my star sign or where she was conceived. For curiosity sake, would it be an exact location, or just the general area? In this case the options were; Orange County, or My Mom's Bed. Damn. That is information she is going to be SO bummed on when she's older. Also...sorry Mom (insert shit eating grin emoji here).

Ok. back to the task at hand, giving my daughter an alter ego for this blogs sake. That way, when she runs for President, she won't have to worry about TMZ dredging up a story about, "The Poo-cano of 2017". Would voters really want someone in office that shat from their toes to earlobes?

So. On Momish, my spawn shall, until the end of time, be referred to as Thing 1. Her and I decided this was an apt pseudonym for her anonymity. Plus. If I find myself knocked up again, Thing 2 just fits in so nicely.

All hail Thing 1. She's your typical tyrannical toddler that has her Daddy and I absolutely wrapped around her finger. She knows how to push me to the brink of my sanity, then pull me right back with an extra cute cuddle. As her hair has taken its sweet ass time to come in, (particularly on top) she is currently rocking a rad 'lil mullet. For some reason, completely unbeknownst to me, Thing 1 is under the assumption that a glass of wine is called, "coffee". I gotta say though, this misinformation really works in my favour when she informs Daddy how much coffee Mommy drinks.

Fun Facts about Thing 1: 

- She enjoys long walks on the beach. (Where she loves nothing more than to see how much sand she can scoff before I notice. Then cry because she's just eaten a shit ton of sand.)

- She is newly 2. (Though has been practising for the terrible 2's for a good 2 years now and has really mastered an earsplitting tantrum for the slightest infraction on our part.)

- 'The Wheels on The Bus' is her JAM. (And she can freestyle that tune like I do when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air comes on.)

- Girlfriend loves herself some shoes, accessories and Princess dresses, but also gets all up on muddy puddles, bug catching and intense digger watching. (A riddle wrapped in an enigma.)

- Is terrified of her potty. (Seriously man, she spends 23 1/2 hours a day in a diaper, the half hour she's in the bath, we get a code brown sitch. Like on the reg.)

- She has been born and bred in the UK, though luckily for her, her Momma (me duh) hails from California. (Seriously. Diaper/nappy, fries/chips, chips/crisps, she's gonna have one whack ass vocabulary by the time she heads to school.)

- She has an intense love/hate relationship with bubbles. (Seriously. She loses her mind when she sees them. Inevitably tries to eat them. Gets pissed off. Screams at me for allowing this travesty to happen. Sees butterfly. Chases it. Forgets about the whole bubble debacle until the process begins again.)

- She's pretty damn rad. (No denying Thing 1 has swag.)